Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.