I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?