I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
me when I see my crush
love it when they get my name right
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.