I am laughing way too hard at this.
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
okay run it by me one more time
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing