Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

The news

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.