I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
what kind of cook setting is this??
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.