“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!