“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I just got arrested for felonious mopery