“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party