Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I mean…but I did

liiiiiiiiike

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.