Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Encore…

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.