I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Breakfast for Stoners:
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.