I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit