I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!