I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Room with a view.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
learning about math 🧐 📝
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Netflix and awkward silence?