I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time