Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Whisper out to librarians!

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

Fries, not lies.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions