I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
How your email finds me
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”