I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
mariah carrie
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.