I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Education is vital
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what