I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
You Might Also Like
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.