I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
