I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I was just discussing this with my cat
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”