I am never leaving this website
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My new favorite headline
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever