Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught