Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

What a website

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

I fixed it. For me

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?