I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there