I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
A family that plays together cheats.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.