I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
2 years later
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens