@girlontapas

I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

- @girlontapas

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@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@EJGomez

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@BerrryDLite

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@GrowlyGrego

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

@WritePlay

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

@CoolBabyRat

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*