I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

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Hey guys listen up: your girlfriend doesn’t want to talk about your wife. Ever!!


My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.


Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.


I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now


[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.


Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.


Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?


Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.