Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀