Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea: