Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

The first matador

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]