I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.