I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.