Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Morning.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”