Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.