I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
money maker
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
the noise i just made
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
You’re not my real can
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.