Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes