I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Nice try, poison.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
why isn’t he texting back
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.