I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
tis the season
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
