I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
What number SPF blocks people?