I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Legend 🤣🤣
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.