I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
what day is it?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
grandparents are too precious for this world
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.