Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Spotted in the wild

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.