Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

never deleting this app.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.