I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s on my to-do list.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
This poor dog
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?