Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.