I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.