I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️