Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.