Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.