Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!