Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.