Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

This is sending me to another galaxy

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”