Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Attacked by a mop.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

it’s the silliest best thing

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.