Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

mom had nothing to worry about

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this