I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
#MeanwhileInCanada
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”