I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.