I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed