I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
My kitchen overserved me.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am