Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

they split up moments later

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Real bees work best

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.