Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not