“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Thursday Thought.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression