“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
one last job
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.