Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵