I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Perfection.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”