I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You Might Also Like
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
How much for the goth pool noodles?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Milk Cube
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.