I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
no cat here
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m Sold!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong