Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?