Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmao😭🤣

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔