I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
You Might Also Like
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
True freaking story!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.