I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”