I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”