Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition