Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Can’t. Being lazy.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

bury ourselves

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time