Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers