Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.